Betty Grable reading. The seven-year itch, and thereafter
Been married for a few years? Is the bloom starting to fade from the rose? Well, here’s some bad news: If you’re a bettor, don’t bet that it’s going to get better. But there’s a silver lining.
In the new issue of Psychological Science, Irene Tsapelas, Arthur Aron, and Terri Orbach report on a study (gated) in which Detroit-area couples were surveyed in the seventh and sixteenth years of their marriage. Those who were more bored with their marriage in Year 7 were, unsurprisingly, also less satisfied with the marriage. Strikingly, when the researchers controlled for the level of marital satisfaction at Year 7, they still found that being bored in Year 7 strongly predicted being dissatisfied in Year 16. (The sample for the study was confined to couples who were still together at Year 16. Those who had divorced by Year 16 had been more bored at Year 7, but not significantly so.)
Further analysis revealed that the impact of boredom on marital satisfaction nine years later was mediated by the closeness of the couple’s relationship. Based on that finding, the authors reach a hopeful conclusion:
Not only conflicts, but also simple boredom, can shape relationships over the long term. …©ouples can reduce boredom with shared exciting activities …Thus, … increasing rewards may matter as much or more than reducing costs; or, in more contemporary terms, it may be important to focus not just on eliminating negatives, but also on enhancing positives.
In other words, don’t just sit around and stew about your individual or mutual loss of joy and sense of excitement. Break out of your rut and do something new and exciting together, seize on opportunities to do so as they arise, and don’t wait for them to arise by themselves. Maybe nine years later, you’ll not only still be together, but will be very glad that you are.
I recommend criminal activity as a breakout activity. The closeness provided by robbing banks or hi-jacking cars might carry you through lulls in the bedroom.
12 comments:
My wife and I will be purchasing ski masks later today.
Ha! I can't decide if you're officially the best marriage counselor ever or the worst!
So far there's not much boredom for Lana and I.
Hi Patti,
Interesting survey. I am reasonably fearless but I admit I do fear being boring even more than I fear being bored.
Terrie
Hi Patti,
Interesting survey. I am reasonably fearless but I admit I do fear being boring even more than I fear being bored.
Terrie
Committing felonies, now that's hot.
My husband and I just started a meth lab in our basement, and have never been happier. And our 7th anniversary is June 29.
Terrie-You and me both.
Christine-Better to do that out in the desert of Albuquerque. David-you have to purchase them? Never need them there, huh?
Charles-somehow I'm not surprised.
Keith-I get the feeling you would say that about darn near anything.
No one interviewed us 20 years ago and no one came back to not interview us 9 years after that. And now that we're on the low slope to 30 years I suppose the knock at the door is once again not going to be someone interviewing us about whether we are bored or not.
"I recommend criminal activity as a breakout activity. The closeness provided by robbing banks or hi-jacking cars might carry you through lulls in the bedroom."
Say, what have you been watching lately? "Fun With Dick And Jane?" Or "Gun Crazy?"
All of the above although I favor the earlier version with Jane Fonda and George Seagal.
Me, too. It was Jane's best 70's comedy and George Segal was the best thing in movies that didn't quite mesh ("Bloom In Love," "Carbon Copy").
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